When Your Child’s Behavior Feels Bigger Than You Expected
By Stephanie O’Driscoll, MA, BCBA, LBA
If you’re raising a child with intense behavior, you’ve probably had moments where you’ve wondered:
Why is this so hard?
Am I doing something wrong?
Why does everything turn into a battle?
These questions usually come with a heavy dose of guilt and exhaustion. So let me say this first, clearly and without hesitation:
You are not failing. And your child is not “bad.”
When behavior feels extreme, confusing, or constant, it’s usually a sign that a child is missing skills — not motivation, not consequences, and not “better parenting.”
Behavior Is Communication (Even When It’s Loud)
Kids don’t always have the language or self-awareness to explain what’s going on inside them. So their behavior does the talking.
Hitting, yelling, refusing, running away, shutting down — these are often signs that something feels too big, too hard, too fast, or too overwhelming.
In behavior analysis, we look at one key question:
What is this behavior doing for the child?
Most challenging behaviors help a child:
Get out of something that feels overwhelming
Get access to something they really want or need
Get attention or connection
Cope with big feelings or sensory discomfort
When we only try to stop the behavior without understanding its purpose, we end up in the same cycle over and over again.
The Skills Gap Most People Don’t See
Many kids with behavioral challenges struggle with skills that aren’t obvious from the outside. Things like:
Handling frustration
Staying flexible when plans change
Waiting
Recovering from disappointment
Explaining what they need
Managing sensory input
Calming their body once they’re upset
If a child could manage the situation calmly, they usually would. Meltdowns are rarely a choice — they’re a sign that the child’s coping system has been overwhelmed.
We don’t expect kids to read before they’ve been taught. Emotional and behavioral skills work the same way.
Why Traditional Discipline Often Backfires
Time-outs, lectures, taking things away — these strategies rely on a child being calm enough to reflect and adjust their behavior.
But during a meltdown or power struggle, the thinking part of the brain is basically offline. The child isn’t in a place to learn a lesson. They’re in survival mode.
That doesn’t mean there should be no limits. It means that teaching skills and preventing overload is more effective than punishing reactions after the fact.
What Actually Helps
Connection First
When a child feels understood and safe, their nervous system can start to settle. That might sound like:
“I can see this is really hard right now.”
“I’m here. We’ll figure it out.”
This isn’t giving in. It’s helping their body calm down enough to learn.
Teach the Skill, Not Just Stop the Behavior
If a child screams to get out of homework, the goal isn’t just “no screaming.” It’s teaching them what to do instead:
Ask for help
Ask for a break
Say “This is too hard”
We don’t just reduce behavior — we replace it with something that works better.
Change the Environment When You Can
Sometimes the expectation is the problem, not the child.
Ask yourself:
Is this too hard right now?
Too long?
Too loud or overstimulating?
Happening when they’re already tired or hungry?
Shorter tasks, visual schedules, warnings before transitions, and built-in breaks can prevent meltdowns before they start.
Your Calm Matters (Even When You Don’t Feel Calm)
Kids borrow our nervous systems. When we yell or threaten, their stress level usually goes up, not down.
No parent stays calm all the time — that’s not realistic. What matters is repair:
“I got really frustrated and raised my voice. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”
That teaches emotional regulation more than any lecture ever could.
Progress May Not Look Like What You Expected
For many families, success looks like:
Fewer meltdowns
Shorter meltdowns
A child asking for help once instead of exploding every time
A parent feeling slightly less on edge each day
That is real progress.
This work isn’t about creating a perfectly behaved child. It’s about building skills, trust, and safety over time.
A Final Thought
If your days feel like constant crisis management, it makes sense that you’re tired. Parenting a child with behavioral challenges requires more patience, flexibility, and emotional energy than most people ever see from the outside.
The fact that you’re looking for understanding instead of just harsher punishment tells me something important:
You’re trying. You care. And that matters more than you think.